Tax Humor

There are three applicants for a job, an engineer, an attorney, and an accountant. All very qualified. The interviewer called them into his office separate and asked each applicant. “What is two plus two?” The engineer whips out a slide rule and on the blackboard gives a stunning presentation why two plus two equals five. Very impressed, the interviewer called in the attorney, who gave an impassioned speech, pulling in Supreme Court references and the Code of Hammurabi to conclusively prove that two plus two makes three. Dumbfounded the interviewer called in the accountant and asked him the question. The account got up, closed the door, walked over to the interviewer, leaned down to his ear, and quietly asked, “How much would you like it to be?”

The accountant got the job.

If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.

— Farmer’s Almanac

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

—Albert Einstein

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died. He decided he need a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like an ordinary man.” He said to her, “but in a few years, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.” Impress the woman obtained his business card. And three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

(Thanks to Luise Roke)

Tax Facts

The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913 and in 2000 over 7 million words.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But... If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Either of which is probably tax deductible.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

Depreciation.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

—Oscar Wilde

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

—Ronald Reagan

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

—Dick Gregory

I am not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I will say, "No, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we will call it even."

—Jimmy Kimmel

“The tax code is so complex and the forms are so complicated, that I know I cannot have any confidence that I know what is being requested and therefore I cannot and do not know, and I suspect a great many Americans cannot know, whether or not their tax returns are accurate,” Donald Rumsfeld wrote in a letter accompanying his 2013 tax return, as reported by Hunter Walker, Business Insider.com, April 15, 2014.

[Editor: Is this “reasonable cause” for something? Is this humor at all?]

A tax preparer, unsure whether a client’s wife was entitled to an additional exemption for being 65 years old, sent the husband an e-mail requesting the information. The next day he got a reply: “My wife says she is not 65 years old, nor will she ever be!”

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